Keep Calm and Fake a British Accent
by lets.make.it.rain
Summary: Selina Shoshanna, an American waitress working at Redevac fakes a British accent when she encounters John Watson – "a single, straight man having tea by himself on Beacon Hill," who's just so homesick he'd kill for anything English. Everything is going great that is until Sherlock drops in for a visit. What could go wrong? John/OC oneshot(inspired by the movie,"What's Your Number?)


**Inspired by the movie, What's Your Number (2011) directed by Mark Mylod that starred Martin Freeman. I own zilch!**

**Warning: slightly corny. please be nice.**

* * *

**Keep Calm & Fake a British Accent**

by lets . make . it . rain

"Before you take my order, I do feel compelled to explain why a single, straight man," he chuckles. "is having tea by himself on Beacon Hill. The truth is, well... I'm just so homesick that I'd kill for anything English," the British man with the salt and pepper coloured hair confessed.

"Well you're in luck Mr –" Selina said conjuring up her best English accent.

"Watson," he smiled brightly. "John. Actually. Call me John. And who might I have the pleasure of meeting?"

"If you insist, John," she smiled back. "I'm Selina."

"You're from Cardiff aren't you? I can just tell–"

"Yes! How did you know?"

"Small world innit?"

And then his phone rang but he seemed hesitant about picking it up. He ignored it.

"Very small indeed."

Then his phone rang a second time. He huffed in annoyance.

"Oh bugger off Sherlock! I'm in America for God's sake!" he mumbled under his breath. "I'm sorry. Do you mind if I get that?"

"Of course not. I'll just go and fetch you some tea while you take that call. Be right back John."

_What did I just get myself into?_

¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨

Sherlock took a cab to where John was staying. He knocked on the door and heard a series of moaning and groaning and rolled his eyes. He knocked again.

John opened the door, hair looking disheveled. "Oh you've got to be kidding me!"

The door closed upon his face.

"John," Selina whispered as he captured her lips. She noticed he was keen on ignoring the unexpected knocker who kept knocking at various intensities.

"You should really get the door."

"I know..."

Selina made her way to the bathroom to make herself look more presentable.

_"Why are you here Sherlock?" John asked._

_Sherlock replied, "I was bored."_

_"Bored? Did Mycroft not have any more cases for you to solve?" _

_"Oh he did –"_

And then Selina stepped out to meet the intruder.

"Sherlock, this is Selina Shoshanna, my girlfriend. Selina, this is Sherlock. My flat mate back in London," John introduced the lot.

"Nice to meet you, Sherlock," Selina said and extended her hand. She refrained from telling him about how much John has told her about him.

He smiled for a split second and started to talk, examining Selina very carefully. "So this is the woman from Cardiff you mentioned."

She was wearing a black pencil skirt and her shirt was awfully low, giving him a clear view of her assets. "A waitress isn't she John? That's how you both met. You've got a shift in about two hours and wanted a quick in and out yes? –"

"Very good detective! Now if you'll excuse us...John, love. Didn't you say a while ago that you were an astronaut and wanted to explore Uranus? I think the ship is more than ready..." she smirked and nipped the side of his ear playfully.

John's breath hitched and let her continue her ministrations. They saw Sherlock's figure retreat and in a few seconds, they were down each other's throats. They stopped briefly and stared at each other.

"He's still here isn't he?" Selina said and John nodded. "Just follow my lead," she whispered.

Selina pushed John down on the couch and straddled him. As she was about to remove her top, they both heard a plate crash and fall.

"Sorry!" a voice yelled out. Then another object loudly crashed as soon as Selina's top came fully off. "Just a bit clumsy!"

"Alright this is getting ridiculous. Sherlock! Get out!" John stood up and stormed to the kitchen. Selina clasped her bra back on and followed John.

"Why _exactly_ are you here Sherlock?"

"She's not British."

"So you came all the way here from London to tell me that my girlfriend is not who she seems to be?"

"I am British! Born and raised," Selina defended herself.

"Tell me John. Did she ask you if you liked the 'cookie' she baked after you politely tried one? I'm quite sure the proper term would have been 'biscuit.' Have you ever had a conversation on what subject she loved and loathed in high school? Did she say how she loved 'gym' class and hated 'math'? Honestly John, in Britain, I'm sure everyone would reply how he/she loved to study 'maths' and absolutely loathed 'playing sport.' "

"Is..is this true Selina?" John asked.

"And may I ask, what's bubble & squeak, _my dear Anglo-phile_?" Sherlock questioned.

"Bubble & Squeak?" she scoffed. "Everyone knows who they are! Bubble and Squeak! The creator of the rubber ducky!"

"The creator of the rubber ducky! John! Did you hear that? Of all the birds you've dated, at least some of them had half a brain!" Sherlock's laughed. "You are incorrect! Oh if only I had a buzzer! Bubble & squeak is one of Britain's most famous comfort foods made from a mixture of mashed potatoes and cooked cabbage, fried until golden. On the other hand, the rubber _duck_, was invented by a woman named Bryn Shaffer in the 1800s."

"I can't believe you've been lying to me for 3 months Selina. Frankly, I don't know what to say," said John disbelievingly, shaking his head.

Selina looked down and shifted uncomfortably.

"John, I'm truly sorry. I just really like you –"

"We should call it a night," John said.

"Actually, both of you should leave. _Now_. I have just had it about here," John emphasized with his hand a height higher than his own.

"Well you heard the man. Out. Wait–what?" Sherlock said.

"_Out._"

"I...I'll call you later?" Selina spoke up.

"I'll probably be back in London but yeah. Definitely give my cell a ring."

"_Dick," _she mumbled. She then walked away to retrieve her top and slammed the door behind her.

¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨

After the two had begun dating, John would make it a habit to call her during the night after her shift ended and made frequent visits to the diner she worked at. She had gotten no word from him since and she felt slightly on edge after his flat mate's revelation about her that put a dent into their relationship. Selina missed John.

She tried calling his cell, which to her dismay kept ringing.

_'Oh God. Did he mean it when he said he'd be back in London?!' _

Selina bolted from the busy restaurant straight to John's apartment. Her eyes widened and her heart dropped as she saw as taxi drive by her.

_No, John isn't the type to leave without saying goodbye. _

No answer came when she knocked on his door.

_He's actually gone,_ she thought as a tear escaped her eyes. Gone was the jovial British man who she had come to admire.

Just then her cell rang.

_This must be him! _

Instead, her boss' familiar high-pitched voice came through the line in a swift and brief manner, "Don't bother coming back. You are _fired_ from Redevac!"

Then the waterworks came and she heard two voices coming round the corner.

_John. Oh God. I can't let him see me in this state. Fuck. If only there was a deep puddle I could jump in and hide for a while. Dammit!_

Selina walked to the end of the floor, hoping she wouldn't be recognized and pretending to be waiting for the person who occupied the room.

_"Where could she be Sherlock? She's neither at her flat nor is she at work. She's not even at her favorite arts shop. She always spends her money on more clay and paint for her sculptures," said John worriedly as they headed towards the door. He dialed her number and waited for an answer._

"Maybe she's at yours," Sherlock said dryly, looking towards the woman at the end of the hall whose phone was vibrating and ringing.

"Selina? Is that you?" John called out.

"Honestly, John. To think you'd have her anatomy memorized by now," Sherlock scoffed.

"_Shut up_," he told Sherlock.

Selina felt a familiar hand on her shoulder and turned around, looking downcast as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Selina, oh God. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?" John asked.

"Oh don't feel so sorry. She cried more about losing her job than you," they heard Sherlock say from a distance.

"No John. I'm sorry–"

"Stop apologizing love. I should have forgiven you the first time. I'm so stupid," John mumbled and gave her a peck on the lips.

"I know how much you value honesty and I shouldn't have kept on with my charade. But I swear. I thought you'd have figured me out after I got drunk after darts and started to sound like Borat."

He chuckled. "I recall thinking there was something off, but then again you were drunk so I didn't think much of it. Come on. Let's go inside," John said as he wrapped his arm around Selina's waist and ushered her into his home.

"You know, I find it quite endearing you kept up your little charade this long..."John went on. "Which brings me to ask, how would you fancy coming back to London with me?"

Selina smiled and nodded her head. "Sounds like a plan."

"Excuse me for a bit," John said and walked over to the kitchen.

_"–God dammit Sherlock stop being so clumsy and dropping my things!"_ she heard John yell.


End file.
